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life with me in it [Jun. 8th, 2006|02:16 pm]

Well, nothing's perfect in my life, but I'm happy with what I have.

I really thought about visiting you while I was in Az this upcoming week. I'll be in town tomorrow, but I don't think I'll have what it takes to see you.

I just can't.

I really want to.

But I can't.

With your last phone call on your birthday I realized that you still don't see me the way I want you to. It's not your fault or even my own. We're just not the same.

I just wanted us to be normal. What's wrong with that?

I wanted us to look nice and go out on dates, cuddle in front of the tv, cuddle at bed time. Wake up and go out and do things. There is so much that life has to offer. And yes, we did do some of those things when we were together, but it's not the same.

I do miss you.

I wish you the best of luck with your novel/s.

I want you to be happy... with her.

Take care.

This is my good-bye.
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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2006|01:32 am]

Dear Zachary,

I just reread my previous post to you, I guess I can understand why at times I feel that way - just lonely.

But I don't want to ruin this feeling for the moment. I am so incredibly happy right now! I have been for the last couple of days. It's an incredible feeling and I wish you had been here to share it with.

On Friday I became an official college graduate. The actually ceremony was the least exciting. What mattered was having my family there and my friends. Then the celebrations that night and the day after was my own.

I honestly thought about you throughout and how you had promised me that you would be there. But that promise was made long ago - back when we believed in love.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I thought of you and I think that my family would have loved you. You might have even liked some of my friends especially "the guys." My uncle really enjoyed meeting them.

I hope everything is well. I don't even know if you read these posts because you choose to keep things to yourself. But I'm ok with that for now.

I just want you to be happy even if that means without me.

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(no subject) [May. 10th, 2006|11:16 am]

I thought I had changed, but the truth is...I went back to the way I used to be.

Back to being tired and lonely. And I guess that's why I wanted to go back to you. But you don't even respond. Or respond the way I'd like you to.

I just hate this feeling of being lonely. There are days I want to cry just like today. No one ever fucking understands me. I do want to be loved and loved in return. I do seek attention. Yes, sometimes I adorn myself...the nice top, the fitted jeans, the lip gloss over my lips. All for what? I'm so much more than just a pretty face. No one can ever give me what I want...what I need. I don't even know how I've kept myself alive all this time.

Oh yeah, I've just been pretending that things are ok. They are clearly not and it's killing me quietly inside.

What makes me such a horrible person? No one ever understands.

I know that he likes me. One of percy's friends. But I don't have any feelings for him other than just as a friend. I don't want to hurt him and just settle for him. I don't want him to use me for just a month and then discard of me like nothing. I need something so much more meaningful.

My aunt's marriage is falling apart. My mom has found someone. My sister and her boyfriend still living with us.

It's in my face every day. It's so obvious that I'm alone. No one to ever have to hold me.

I don't even know why the last one left me. A part of me wants to beg him to come back. I'd give him anything he wanted for being with him made me feel so happy. Would that be fair?

I haven't kissed anyone in 6 months. I brought that upon myself. But I can't help any of this. I just feel so lonely and I don't know what to do.

I keep debating on whether or not to visit you when I'm in town in a few weeks. It'll have been a whole year or not seeing you or even traveling over there. I'm wondering how that will make me feel...to step off the plane and look for you at the spot you used to pick me up from. How will it feel to not go to your home?

I will have a lot of time to myself. I promised myself to at least visit the neighborhood. I'll take pictures of all the places we went to. So that I'll remember. But I will try really hard not to visit you for I don't think that would be a good idea. As much as a part of me is dying to see you. Oh well.

Even then, a friend of a friend...he's living in Arizona now. I told him last month that I would visit him while I were in town. He hasn't dated in a year. And turns out he just started seeing someone last week. What are the chances?!? Is God against me or what?

I don't care about him anymore anyway. I'm just saying.

I hate the way things are working out...

I'd rather die than have to live on in this life all alone.
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last chances [May. 9th, 2006|10:57 pm]

Dear Zachary, There are days that I miss you tremendously. And sometimes I call and sometimes I don't. But it's ok. I talked to you a few hours ago...not for very long because your photographer called.
I'm not even sure sometimes of why I miss you or even still love you. I was actually kind of happy a few weeks ago when you called me in the middle of the night..out of the blue to tell me that you loved me and you wanted to try again.

I actually believed you.

But you being so cold to me is pushing me away. And you're pushing me away for good. Which is better for me I guess. I keep asking myself why I'm so attached to you? And I think it's just because I'm lonely. I don't know. You just meant so much to me while we were together.

Last year, not too long after broke up. This guy - a friend of a friend - I offered to drive him home. And we were nothing. I was just being nice. I thought nothing of it. When I pulled up outside of his place he told me that I was pretty. He was intoxicated. I was not. I laughed it off. He didn't try to kiss me or anything. But he asked me to go upstairs to his place with him. I laughed that off too. I'm not that kind of girl. I don't know what made him think that I would. I guess he figured it was worth a shot to ask. Well, he didn't stop there. He kept talking and then finally he got mad that I wouldn't go upstairs with him. I just wouldn't. I told him to get out of my car! And he did. But he was still mad at me and before he left he said, "Mariana, this is your last chance." And I drove away.

I don't know what you think of me Zach. Sometimes I hate that when you call it's just sexual between us. I never thought things were that way between us. Like I said, I'm not even sure why I loved you so much. But I did. I just want us both to be happy on our own because obviously we can't be happy together.

So in a sense this is your last chance. I won't call you anymore or send you messages. You're never even there for me anymore. You make me feel like you never loved me at all. And you keep saying that you changed. But I don't see it.

take care.
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(no subject) [Apr. 29th, 2006|09:16 pm]

[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |Thursday]

I called you today and you read me the introduction to Sunvalley.
I also called you last night, 1:30am my time. Maybe later. I kept thinking...Zach probably thinks I'm drunk for calling this late. I didn't even have a single drink the whole night.

Zachary, I worked to hard all these months to get you out of my head and out of my heart. I feel crazy for I'm not even sure why I still hold onto you. I mean...I don't think about you as much, but then little reminders of you come up now and then. And all the feelings come back that I thought I had forgotten. You know? It's weird. And I know that you'll never love me, because I'm just not the one for you.

I loved you then, but just a part of me that still wants to be there and just take care of you. I guess that's why we meshed so perfectly before - we just needed someone. Anyone that would take us. And we took one another.

I hope you find that one that will make you happy. Really, I mean that.

I woke up today and I thought about how depressing Saturdays are. Saturdays are meant for lovers - not lonely people. Saturdays are for lovers, after work all week you have that Saturday to sleep in and have breakfast together. Just lounge around and watch tv. Do couple things. It's not always about sex.
But I only got to experience this once. With my last boyfriend, I slept over on a Friday night. We woke up together on Saturday and he kissed me. We watched some tv while still in bed, cuddling one another. More kisses and what not. I don't even remember what was on tv, because he picked. I just enjoyed laying there next to him. Anyway, I just wanted to share because I don't know if you've had that. Whether you have or haven't...it's just a great feeling that you may relate to.

Well, I only had it that once. We broke up shortly after that Saturday. But that lazy Saturday we were happy.

And so waking up alone today with nothing to do.

Saturdays are meant for lovers. And I know you want that one that will stay with you no matter what. I just hope you find her. And when you do I'll be happy for the two of you.

Meanwhile, I found this today.

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i'm not proud [Apr. 25th, 2006|11:02 am]

I was talking to one of my best friends last night. We kind of took a break from being friends for a while because her boyfriend meant everything to her in the last 2 years they've been together.

She called me last night, just needing someone to talk to.

I'm good at being the listener.

She said, "Mariana, I have to ask you a personal question."
I was actually a little scared of her question. But I accepted. I said, "Ok, what is it?"
She added, "It's ok if you don't want to answer it, but I need to know."
"Mariana, have you ever been in love?"
I hesitated for a moment, then I finally managed to say, "I guess...when...never mind...No. I've never been in love."
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ever since [Mar. 3rd, 2006|02:22 pm]

[music |Incubus-"Mexico"]

Ever since Mexico, I feel like things have changed. Maybe for the better? A new friendship already lost but countless lost ones found again.

I thought a lot about my first love. And how much I denied him. I can't blame this on me or him. It was both. But I realized things I hadn't seen before while we were together. I was so hurt in the end yet I had denied him the freedom to love. I had kept us a secret - our love for one another. I'm not sure why. I was just scared. I felt like we were impossible. The long distance most of all. I didn't trust him, but I loved him. I thought the two had to go together?

I realized that we both wanted someone who wouldn't leave. We needed someone that would stay. We had hopes and dreams of a true love, of an opportunity of a real relationship but both being scared it wasn't possible. I wanted someone to stay. He wanted the one that would stay forever with him. And so I left thinking that if he stayed then we were meant to be. But can't you see? He needed the same thing. So when I left - he left too.

And that's how we ended up alone.

I'm not sure though if were meant to be. Maybe I was with the right person at the wrong time? I'm not even sure that I would want to try again.

Not even knowing the meaning of love. I still keep him a secret because I feel it's better that way. It's a secret because everyone asks me how many times I've been in love? And I always say none. But really it was just that once. That once because we shared so many things. I guess what makes me doubt that it was love was the fact that whenever he kissed me - he didn't always see me. I could tell you about our best kiss - but then I'd be giving away more secrets.
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The end [Oct. 3rd, 2005|09:00 pm]

Why is it so hard to say good-bye?

There is something I want back that he has taken from me.
We still can't decide what to do about that for I don't remember giving it to him.
I did say he could have it if he loved me. But I know...it's my fault too for he told me he loved me.

For whatever reason I can't seem to let him go. He says he plays the good guy, but I tend to disagree. I know that he's not good for me, but I latch on because my problem is not knowing when I should give up or when I should hold on tight.

He said, "I love you. We'll be alright. We have time, just 4 more...and then bliss. Just hold on tonight. I love you."

And then I didn't.

He took something from me that I can now never get back. I did tell him he could have it if he loved me.

He told me he loved me and then I pretended that he did.

I promise tonight is the last time.

Miss you... [Aug. 5th, 2005|05:33 am]

I miss you mariana... i have funny stories from work i want to tell you.

i miss you support, and i miss your luagh.

I'm sorry i took you for granted.

I love you.

love Zachary
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thanks [Mar. 30th, 2005|01:46 pm]

I was trying to e-mail you earlier but my aol wasn't working. I wanted to say thank you for calling me this morning. It was very nice and your call made me feel better. I also wanted to say that I saw your message on my aim. Thanks, I luvs you too. :)

Then just when I was thinking about you while at work...you called again.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

I'll call you later as planned.
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